I Messed Up and My Mother Was the One Who Paid For It

A week ago I was taught a valuable lesson by a woman who has taught me many valuable lessons over the years. I used a clickbait title ‘My Mother is Trying to Kill Me’ for an article about continuous glucose monitoring. I thought it was funny, because obviously I love my Mom, and I know she loves me. In our day to day and year to year interactions, we both demonstrate love and caring, and for her most of all it’s in how she takes care of her family, including feeding us.

My entire adult life, if I haven’t seen my mother in a few days she’ll always prepare my favourite meals (kadhi, bindi, or aloo paratha) when I come to visit. I always eat everything and say “Thanks Mom, this tastes great!”, because it does, and I appreciate it.

We’re taught that ‘actions speak louder than words,’ but what I was taught last week by my Mom is that words also matter. Titles matter.

I was in such a hurry to convey my experiences in life through my writing that I didn’t take the brief moment required to realize that not everyone knows how much I appreciate my mother’s love. That some people might read a title and a few words without reading or understanding what I was trying to say, that love isn’t about blood sugar, and in the scheme of things, I’ll take the food and the love over any little concerns I might have about caloric intake.

That day that I hit ‘publish’ I was a crappy writer and came across as an ungrateful son, and I apologize Mom. I’ll do better. I also apologize for the clickbait dear reader. Never again.

The good news is that my writing that article was the trigger for a long overdue conversation with my mother that allowed me to fully convey how much I appreciate her. Something I haven’t done enough of over the years.

Because I thought actions are what matter. And they do, but words also matter.

Don’t apologize for being late, be on time. 

Don’t just say you love your kid, show up at their soccer game. Hug them good night.

Don’t just say “we should hang out soon.” Suggest a time, make a plan. Actions.

But you also have to say the words. The most power comes from actions in alignment with words. It has been shown repeatedly in social experiments that simply changing your behavior isn’t enough to change how you’re perceived, you must also remind people that you’ve changed to trigger a re-evaluation.

If you’ve decided to stop being habitually late, then you should say, “hey I’m on time!” every time you’re on time, and your friends will appreciate the change in behaviour. If you don’t say it, it’s harder for people to notice. And this works on yourself too. If you’re changing your diet, waking up earlier, or spending more time with friends, say it out loud to yourself and to others and it will reinforce the behavior.

In medical studies involving malpractice, it has been shown that patients don’t sue doctors who make mistakes, they overwhelmingly sue doctors that they don’t like. Doctors who have bad bedside manner, doctors who don’t say the right words.

Actions may speak louder than words, but think of actions as an amplifier. You still have to say the words.

You’re important to me. I value our relationship. I hope you get better. That was a great performance. Thank you for the hard work you put in this week.

Say. The. Words.

Next time you’re demonstrating your love with actions — with a visit, with a hug, with a gift — add the words that I forgot.

I love you Mom.